Sharing is when other kids have to let you play with their toys. Sharing is not when other kids play with your toys, that’s stealing.
Ha ha ha, adults laugh. Now let’s replace some words.
Sharing is when other people have to share their wealth. Sharing is not when other people get some of your wealth, that’s stealing.
It’s a bit simplistic, but I think you get the point.
Sharing is a really tricky thing. It’s so tricky because, as adults, we do not all agree about sharing. We all say that we want our children to learn to share, but what we don’t say is how much we disagree about what sharing is, who we won’t share with in adult life, how we don’t like people who only take and never give, or how unfair sharing can sometimes feel.
Paying tax is a type of sharing, so is charity work and giving money to homeless people. Adults say they support sharing a lot more than they actually do sharing. Letting your child use (and break) your new phone is sharing, so is giving an equal amount of prime steak to the family dog. If you really do all of the things above with a smile on your face, you can stop reading now – this post isn’t for you. If, like me, you don’t happily do them all, keep reading.
Kids aren’t natural sharers. Adults might be natural sharers, but it’s obvious that some do it more than others. Toddlers simply can’t understand sharing – so don’t waste your time. Sharing seems to start at about 2-3 years of age, but that doesn’t mean it will happen naturally or painlessly.
Why do we want our kids to share, apart from so they can grow up poor and selfless and never have any any time or money for us in our old age? It’s probably so that other kids will like them. People mostly like sharers – they give us stuff and they seem to like us. It’s also fun to share when it works out well – everybody feels good when sharing improves the group and they get things they wouldn’t get otherwise. Kids who don’t share will have a hard time making friends and will miss out on those good group feelings. They will get to keep more stuff for themselves – but that’s not a good deal in the end.
What do you actually think?
So, how can you help your kid learn to share? Probably one of the best things you can do is to work out what you believe about sharing before you get put on the spot by a three year old who is hogging the train set. It doesn’t make any difference if this is your kid or not – when kids don’t share you’ve got some decisions to make very quickly or there will be an explosion. So that we don’t put people off, we won’t judge your beliefs about sharing. If you really don’t want to give the dole to people who are doing chemo-therapy, admit this to yourself and we won’t judge you. Whatever you think about sharing, you need to be pretty clear about it. If you’re not sure ask, yourself some questions like:
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Do I give money to homeless people I see? (Not would I give? Do I give?)
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This one’s about sharing with total strangers.
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Do I help out friends and family when I’m busy?
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This one’s about sharing (your time) when it’s hard to share or you don’t have much to share.
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Do I ever buy two rounds of drinks in a row?
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This one’s about sharing when other people don’t seem to be sharing back.
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Do I let other traffic go first when I’m driving?
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This one’s about taking turns without being asked or forced.
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If you don’t really like these questions, or you don’t think the examples fit, try some of your own. You might find (like I did) that you actually aren’t as good at sharing as you thought you were. You’ve got two options with that – change your expectations or change your habits. Once you have got your own beliefs about sharing clear, then you can help your kid to learn about it.
Helping them learn
You can help your child to learn about sharing by encouraging good sharing skills when you see them. Even if it’s just a little thing, point it out and say how proud you are that they’re sharing or taking turns. When they don’t share (not if, when) try to remind them about how they feel when people don’t share with them. This is tricky because it means you have to bring up a time when somebody else wasn’t sharing – which might quickly be turned against you. Focus on how it made your child feel, not the fact that the girl over there is a spoilt little brat who never shares and makes life difficult for all the other kids and their parents. The other way to help your kid learn to share is to show them how, through your actions. Show them sharing, even if you don’t really want to. This will show your kids that you’re not a total hypocrite and will help you to understand how they feel. At some point, there will be tears and tantrums – this is normal.
To sum up
Learning to share will take time and will sometimes seem unfair. Remember, the most unfair thing in the long run would be to let your child grow up without learning how to get along with other kids by sharing. Remember this especially when your child is “sharing” a tantrum with people 300 kilometres away in outer space. Good Luck.
Andrew
NutsBabiesBolts 